A capital time for tweeting, plus: when to shoot a moose
Buy Shoes On Wednesday and Tweet at 4:00 is a new advice book that tells the reader the best possible time to get everything done, from flossing one's teeth to visiting Zanzibar. As a public service, I've used the information provided in that book to create an ideal day.
First thing in the morning, start a daily ritual that will become a habit (you're more likely to stick with it); go to the car wash (it's less crowded and the machinery is cleaner); and ride your horse (he'll have more energy at that hour and won't get overheated).
Between six and eight, pick strawberries (that’s the time of day the plants are strongest) and hunt (more animals are out at that hour, so you’re more likely to kill something).
At seven, take a break to update your Facebook page. ("Just shot a moose! About to breakfast on tasty moose hash and fresh strawberries.") Your friends are logging on as they wake up, and are more likely to read it.
Then shave (if you cut yourself, you'll lose less blood) and hold a garage sale (you'll get more customers).
If you live in a high-crime neighborhood, make sure to get to the ATM before nine. (You're less likely to be mugged.)
As the morning wears on, you can go bowling (it's cheaper), exercise for weight loss (you'll burn more calories), get a massage (your massage therapist will have more energy), and get a colonoscopy (the doc is more likely to find abnormal growths, if they do exist).
At eleven, stop to buy a diamond. (That's when sales staffs in jewelry stores are most fresh and focused and likely to provide good service.)
And in the late morning—sing! (Your vocal cords will be nicely warmed up.)
Maybe you can make up a song about your colonoscopy.
Get your nails done in the afternoon. (They'll have plenty of time to dry, and the salon will be less crowded.)
Then, at three, interview for a job. (You'll be most likely to be remembered by your not-yet-exhausted interviewer.)
In the late afternoon, it's best to knit. (Your hand/eye coordination is at its peak).
But make sure you don’t knit DURING the job interview.
At four, vacuum your house (your mood and energy will both be up) and mow the lawn (the grass is dry and easier to cut). Then post a tweet. ("Just mowed the lawn and vacuumed my house!")
At five, post on Facebook. ("Got the job! Snacked on moose leftovers. And I'm almost done with this lovely hand-knitted afghan for my horse.") Your friends will read it as they check in before leaving work.
In the evening, take your dog for a run (you're more relaxed and he's less likely to get overheated). Then brush his teeth. (After the run, he'll be more compliant.) Then purchase a gerbil. (They're nocturnal, so gerbil-shopping in the evening gives you a better idea of what they're like than during the day, when they're sleepy and sluggish.)
At seven, teach someone to drive on the highway (There's less traffic, so it's safer.)
At eight, read to your child. (Perhaps a book about how to take care of a new gerbil. Or a fairy tale about a horse and a gerbil who become best pals.)
At ten, do the laundry (power is cheaper off-peak).
If you don’t want to do the laundry, you’ve got a great excuse. Ten is also the best time to go to bed. (It's good for your health to sleep from 10 to 6.)
But, before you drift off to dreamland, don’t forget to floss. (You're less likely to rush, and the inside of your mouth will be clean while you sleep.)
Sweet dreams! Maybe you'll dream about visiting Zanzibar. (If so, keep in mind that the best month for that is July.)
This essay ran previously on womensvoicesforchange.org.
Roz Warren's work also appears in The New York Times and The Funny Times.